How I Saved the World - Part II

For over two years I've believed the world to be safe from Evil Samurai Crickets.

Last night my dream of a peaceful existence, free from hoards of Evil Samurai Crickets, was shattered.

The following is a true account of what transpired one early fall night in my basement.

After more than three weeks of a packed schedule, I had more than enough laundry to keep me occupied for several days. I was completely exhausted but knew it had to be done and dragged my tired body to the laundry hamper. I gathered a load of dirty clothing and clicked the front door closed behind me. The ominous chill raised bumps on my bare arms but I attributed it to the fact that fall had finally decided to make an appearance instead of the warning that it was.

I carefully placed one tired foot in front of the other. Each step ached as I made my way down a full flight of steps to the entry of the basement. When I reached the basement door I used the archaic key to turn the lock. As the mechanism retreated into the door it made a loud 'snick' that echoed in the empty hallway. With a loud squeak I wrestled the door open and my eyes attempted to adjust to the gloom of the basement.

And then I heard it.

The ancient language that I had hoped to never hear again. A language feared by young children and seasoned warriors alike. It was the language of the Evil Samurai Crickets and it assaulted my ears in a wave of unintelligible horror.

In an instant I knew that an entire army of Evil Samurai Crickets were waiting for me at the bottom of those unassuming basement steps. The cacophony was deafening. I knew they were here to destroy me. I knew they were here for revenge. And I was completely unprepared.

The electric glow of the bare bulbs blinded me temporarily when I flipped the switch. My hope had been to frighten them off but their voices didn't falter. As my vision cleared my ears were assaulted by what could have only been the taunts of my enemies. Although I did not speak their dark and evil language I knew that they were screaming their challenges at me. My past victory was nothing to them.

With white spots dancing in front of my face I looked to the bottom of the stairs. It was as I feared. No less then seven Evil Samurai Crickets were staring up at me...the tension palpable as they waited for me to make a move. Their hate radiated off of them in waves. I could feel the heat of it and the atmosphere nearly crackled with the barely contained energy.

It was purely coincidence that I had my trusty Samurai blade Phlip Phlop with me that night. And blind luck that I had its mate Theong Sandile. I carefully set my laundry on the steps in front of me. I would only have one chance at a diversion. One chance to distract my enemies enough to give me an advantage. The seven Evil Samurai Crickets were edging closer to the bottom of the steps. I knew my time had run out. With a fierce cry I upended the laundry basket down the stairs and lept into the air.

With just the tips of my fingers I was able to grasp onto a ceiling beam and flip myself over the seven Evil Samurai Crickets. The laundry had entangled two of them but the other five were already following my graceful arc through the air. As I landed softly on the balls of my feet, the soreness forgotten, the five Evil Samurai Crickets launched themselves at me. Their razor sharp legs flailed at lightning speeds and it took everything I had to protect myself with my dual blades. Arms and Evil Samurai Cricket legs blurred in this high speed dance of life and death as I spun and parried and thrust and defended. Suddenly, without warning, a gash was opened on my upper arm. One of the five Evil Samurai Crickets had made it through my defenses.

I screamed my defiance, smashed his head and did a mighty leap over the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets. I hung in the air for what seemed like forever, targeting the two Evil Samurai Crickets that had been entangled in my laundry trap. Their heads were just breaking out of the top of the pile when Phlip Phlop and Theong Sandile snuffed them out.

I whirled around to face the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets. Each heartbeat pounding through my veins was magnified and my breath burned in my lungs. But they were not going to give me a chance to rest. The four Evil Samurai Crickets launched themselves at me as one, screams of rage pouring from their Evil Samurai Cricket mouths. I dodged them and skipped across the tops of the dryers. I had to gain the advantage! With an amazing twist I landed behind them.

And before the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets knew what had happened, my twin Samurai blades came smashing down upon them. The seven Evil Samurai Crickets had been vanquished. I wiped the stinging sweat from my eyes and surveyed the carnage. Razor sharp legs twitched in the electric glow but these evil beings would no longer threaten the world.

I gathered my laundry but left my enemies as a warning to any other Evil Samurai Crickets.

I had learned my lesson. I must remain vigilant in order to keep the world and its population safe from a threat it doesn't even know about...

The icing on my cake.

How about a reenactment for you today? A few have asked what got me so down in the dumps yesterday, and while this is only the crowning moment of a spectacularly bad day, it was the only thing I could illustrate very well here.

As any good reenactment should, names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. However, the situation has not been changed to protect the idiot victim. (psst...that's me)

Let's begin.

This is our victim's car in a parking lot.



Imagine, if you will, that this parking lot belongs to a large bulk super-store type place. See? There is the entrance right there.



Also, lets imagine that this parking lot is much larger with quite a few more cars in it.



And yes, they DO all look the same.

Shove it.

So there our scene is set.

Picture in your head a beautiful sunny afternoon. Our victim had a couple of errands to run and the first one was to check tire prices at this local store. Our victim got into the store before realizing she had forgotten to write down the tire size. And so the victim headed back to her car.



As our victim traipsed back across the parking lot she had no idea what was in store for her.



Our victim hopped in the driver's side seat and popped open the glove box.



After writing down the tire size, our victim neatly put everything back in the glove box and closed it.



Our victim hit the lock button and stepped back out of the car.



As she swung the door shut, the world seemed to slow to a molassian* pace . Something wasn't right.



The door clicked shut and our victim's vision was immediately sucked to the front seat of the vehicle.



What was that in the front seat?

Oh look! You can see me in the reflection! Hey can anyone tell what kind of camera I use?



Oh right. ehem. Sorry, back to our story.



There, lying neatly on the front seat of her newly locked vehicle, were our victim's keys.

Let me repeat that.



Her KEYS.

Please pay no attention to:



Our victim's car get's vacuumed on a regular basis. If by regular you mean biannually.

But that's not the point now is it!?

Let me repeat.



However, this story ends better than it could have. At this point it was very possible for our victim to break down into tears. Or into a raging bout of curses only fit for the saltiest sea dog's ears.

It would have been completely logical for our victim to run screaming around the parking lot like a crazy person.

Or to try and break in the car herself.

Luckily, a hero of a locksmith came to our victim's rescue. And now she owes him a HUGE favor.

*whether or not the word molassian is truly a word or not is beside the point. So you just hush. You knew what I meant.

This post deserves no title.

In the midst of Pirate Fest...how about some randomness for you. It's been a while since I've been random.

Stop it. Yes it has been.

HEY! I. Said. Shut it.

Anyway.

Spent a few days in KC a couple weeks ago. Remember how I said I was taking my camera everywhere I went now? Uh yeah. Well, I guess that just means to work and the wineries.



Stopped by Les Bourgeois on the way home. It was a beautiful evening.

I just couldn't seem to drag the camera out all weekend.



But the vineyards were so pretty in the setting sun.



Not that I was really able to capture it very well here. Photography class anyone?

Oop. There I go with the photoshop again.



So, next bit of randomness.

Take a look at what I did the other day. Can you tell what it is?



No, it's not a medieval torture device.

Here's a little bit more of a clue.



I taught myself how to knit with double pointed needles the other day. I had some time to kill at lunch.



Seems I have a lot of time to kill on this job. Or at least more time to kill on any other job I've had. My boss likes to give me 'jobs' to do that only seem to require me to sit and watch the real workers do their thing.



So this is how I pass the time. It's very constructive of me.

And, for the last bit of randomness, because I can't leave you with all that structured nonsense up there, here are a couple of photos that have no relevance to each other whatsoever. Wow. 'Whatsoever' actually doesn't trigger the spell check. Who knew?



Most of these have been shown on this site before...in one form or another.



They've all just been slightly more modified this time around.



Ok. Some more than just 'slightly'.



Leave me alone. I'm going to go nurse my Photoshop addiction now.