With Respect

To the birds in the back yard tree,

I must ask that you cease leaving your little white gifts all over my car. I'm sure that you have gained much respect in the bird world for your re-decoration of my vehicle but let me assure you, your attentions are unwanted.

You've managed to make my car look even more trashy than it already did, which is quite the accomplishment. I just wish the damned stuff wasn't so hard to remove!

Now, since I have no other place to park I am asking you nicely to find another tree. After all, you've really had the cushy life here. The man upstairs has even been nice enough to spread fresh grass seed for you.

So you see, although the tree above my car is no doubt lovely, you must vacate it immediately in order to continue our amicable relationship. I will expect to see a change in your behavior no later than Monday.

Thank you for your consideration in this very important matter.