I swear, it's not what you think!

Our affair began early in life.

It began slowly and unexpectedly, as many affairs do. We spent time together when I was a child. Though it was limited, you left an impression on me that never faded. As a child, my parents would limit our exposure to each other. Most often I only saw you on special occasions. Birthdays, Easter, Christmas, and maybe the odd camping trip or family outing. You weren’t necessarily considered a bad influence on me…just an influence that needed limiting. Remember those couple of times I went so far as to sneak you in? You were my own guilty little secret.

As the years progressed I changed. You also changed, though it seemed you began changing with every season. And although you looked different from time to time, you were still the same inside. I stopped looking at you as a guilty secret though I realized my parents were right in limiting our exposure. You could so easily take over me and I would be in too deep before I knew it. Hours turned to minutes and minutes to hours when I was with you. I had to keep you at a distance that was safe for me. There were times that I couldn’t have you, and then the cravings would nearly do me in. Yet, your presence is comforting to me.

And then, yesterday, we met again in Wal-Mart.





Oh Oreo, you have my heart now more than ever.

Because Pirates just ARE, ok?

Ahoy Google Crew,

We be writin’ t’ let ye know how disappointed we be with the newest update t’ Gmail. Yar, it be true yer crew has provided helpful updates t’ this popular email program in the past, but we feel ye ‘ave missed yer mark this time. Aye, we be greatly distressed t’ see the inclusion o’ a Ninja theme but a lack o’ a Pirate Theme available with the other new themes. It may e’en be enough t’ make one think that the Google Crew is pro-Ninja.

As ye may be aware, the' battle between Pirates and Ninjas be still bein' waged. While we understand that thar be individuals that will pick sides, we caution ye t' be careful which side ye choose. While the question o' who be better, Pirates or Ninjas, be not easily answered, we hope that ye will understand that leavin' Pirates out o' yer theme choices be a grave business mistake.

Not only have Pirates been around longer than Ninjas (thar have been pirates since the first person built the first boat), Pirates be far more commercially successful than Ninjas. Take, for example, the recent success o' a certain group o' movin' pictures. These stories followed the' legends o' me brethren in the' Caribbean and were such a success we have had trouble with the' sheer number o' impersonators.

When was the last time thar was such a successful Ninja movin’ picture? Let alone three. Ninjas only be havin’ a few teenaged turtles that talk. In our opinion, turtles are good fer nothin’ but soup.

Yar, while Ninjas be admittedly good at hidin', a Pirate has no need t' skulk around in the shadows. We be open about our business and people fear us enough t' surrender merely upon the sight o' our flags upon the horizon. This, me buckos, be true intimidation.

We implore you t' end this discrimination immediately. The Pirates be demandin' thar own theme as well. We think we’ve made more than enough o' an argument t' prove our deservedness. We thank you in advance for your consideration and hope that when we pass you in the street we’ll be able t' give you a buckoly “Ahoy Mate!”.

The wind be always in yer sails,

PANSY
(Pirates Against Ninja SupremacY)

Google has made a grave error in the new themes that they offer. They've designed a ninja theme...but no pirate theme.

That hurts Google...that really hurts.

A conversation through text message...

These texts have been reproduced in their entirety. No embellishment was added because none was needed.

P: Morning, dear. Sleep well?

Me: Yeah just not enough of it. I'm gettin too old for this. How are you?

P: Had a weird dream that would make a funny movie.

Me: Oh yeah? I want to hear about that! :)

P: "Attack of the cannibalistic Republican spider people"

Me: Ewwwwwwww! I think I'll skip that movie!

P: Do Republicans scare you that much?

Me: Lol. Funny funny. It's the spiders and you know it! :)

P: They don't look like spiders, they just wrap their liberal prey in cocoons to eat later!

Me: Lol! You seriously had this dream!!?

P: Yeah, it was pretty scary at the time, but now I think it's funny!

Me: Hilarious! So would you mind if I blog about this particular string of texts?

P: Go ahead, and I'm going to talk to Eric W. and Scott T. about the idea!

Me: awesome! I know someone else out there has to think this convo is as hilarious as I do.


I can't make this stuff up people.

How I Saved the World - Part II

For over two years I've believed the world to be safe from Evil Samurai Crickets.

Last night my dream of a peaceful existence, free from hoards of Evil Samurai Crickets, was shattered.

The following is a true account of what transpired one early fall night in my basement.

After more than three weeks of a packed schedule, I had more than enough laundry to keep me occupied for several days. I was completely exhausted but knew it had to be done and dragged my tired body to the laundry hamper. I gathered a load of dirty clothing and clicked the front door closed behind me. The ominous chill raised bumps on my bare arms but I attributed it to the fact that fall had finally decided to make an appearance instead of the warning that it was.

I carefully placed one tired foot in front of the other. Each step ached as I made my way down a full flight of steps to the entry of the basement. When I reached the basement door I used the archaic key to turn the lock. As the mechanism retreated into the door it made a loud 'snick' that echoed in the empty hallway. With a loud squeak I wrestled the door open and my eyes attempted to adjust to the gloom of the basement.

And then I heard it.

The ancient language that I had hoped to never hear again. A language feared by young children and seasoned warriors alike. It was the language of the Evil Samurai Crickets and it assaulted my ears in a wave of unintelligible horror.

In an instant I knew that an entire army of Evil Samurai Crickets were waiting for me at the bottom of those unassuming basement steps. The cacophony was deafening. I knew they were here to destroy me. I knew they were here for revenge. And I was completely unprepared.

The electric glow of the bare bulbs blinded me temporarily when I flipped the switch. My hope had been to frighten them off but their voices didn't falter. As my vision cleared my ears were assaulted by what could have only been the taunts of my enemies. Although I did not speak their dark and evil language I knew that they were screaming their challenges at me. My past victory was nothing to them.

With white spots dancing in front of my face I looked to the bottom of the stairs. It was as I feared. No less then seven Evil Samurai Crickets were staring up at me...the tension palpable as they waited for me to make a move. Their hate radiated off of them in waves. I could feel the heat of it and the atmosphere nearly crackled with the barely contained energy.

It was purely coincidence that I had my trusty Samurai blade Phlip Phlop with me that night. And blind luck that I had its mate Theong Sandile. I carefully set my laundry on the steps in front of me. I would only have one chance at a diversion. One chance to distract my enemies enough to give me an advantage. The seven Evil Samurai Crickets were edging closer to the bottom of the steps. I knew my time had run out. With a fierce cry I upended the laundry basket down the stairs and lept into the air.

With just the tips of my fingers I was able to grasp onto a ceiling beam and flip myself over the seven Evil Samurai Crickets. The laundry had entangled two of them but the other five were already following my graceful arc through the air. As I landed softly on the balls of my feet, the soreness forgotten, the five Evil Samurai Crickets launched themselves at me. Their razor sharp legs flailed at lightning speeds and it took everything I had to protect myself with my dual blades. Arms and Evil Samurai Cricket legs blurred in this high speed dance of life and death as I spun and parried and thrust and defended. Suddenly, without warning, a gash was opened on my upper arm. One of the five Evil Samurai Crickets had made it through my defenses.

I screamed my defiance, smashed his head and did a mighty leap over the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets. I hung in the air for what seemed like forever, targeting the two Evil Samurai Crickets that had been entangled in my laundry trap. Their heads were just breaking out of the top of the pile when Phlip Phlop and Theong Sandile snuffed them out.

I whirled around to face the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets. Each heartbeat pounding through my veins was magnified and my breath burned in my lungs. But they were not going to give me a chance to rest. The four Evil Samurai Crickets launched themselves at me as one, screams of rage pouring from their Evil Samurai Cricket mouths. I dodged them and skipped across the tops of the dryers. I had to gain the advantage! With an amazing twist I landed behind them.

And before the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets knew what had happened, my twin Samurai blades came smashing down upon them. The seven Evil Samurai Crickets had been vanquished. I wiped the stinging sweat from my eyes and surveyed the carnage. Razor sharp legs twitched in the electric glow but these evil beings would no longer threaten the world.

I gathered my laundry but left my enemies as a warning to any other Evil Samurai Crickets.

I had learned my lesson. I must remain vigilant in order to keep the world and its population safe from a threat it doesn't even know about...

The icing on my cake.

How about a reenactment for you today? A few have asked what got me so down in the dumps yesterday, and while this is only the crowning moment of a spectacularly bad day, it was the only thing I could illustrate very well here.

As any good reenactment should, names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. However, the situation has not been changed to protect the idiot victim. (psst...that's me)

Let's begin.

This is our victim's car in a parking lot.



Imagine, if you will, that this parking lot belongs to a large bulk super-store type place. See? There is the entrance right there.



Also, lets imagine that this parking lot is much larger with quite a few more cars in it.



And yes, they DO all look the same.

Shove it.

So there our scene is set.

Picture in your head a beautiful sunny afternoon. Our victim had a couple of errands to run and the first one was to check tire prices at this local store. Our victim got into the store before realizing she had forgotten to write down the tire size. And so the victim headed back to her car.



As our victim traipsed back across the parking lot she had no idea what was in store for her.



Our victim hopped in the driver's side seat and popped open the glove box.



After writing down the tire size, our victim neatly put everything back in the glove box and closed it.



Our victim hit the lock button and stepped back out of the car.



As she swung the door shut, the world seemed to slow to a molassian* pace . Something wasn't right.



The door clicked shut and our victim's vision was immediately sucked to the front seat of the vehicle.



What was that in the front seat?

Oh look! You can see me in the reflection! Hey can anyone tell what kind of camera I use?



Oh right. ehem. Sorry, back to our story.



There, lying neatly on the front seat of her newly locked vehicle, were our victim's keys.

Let me repeat that.



Her KEYS.

Please pay no attention to:



Our victim's car get's vacuumed on a regular basis. If by regular you mean biannually.

But that's not the point now is it!?

Let me repeat.



However, this story ends better than it could have. At this point it was very possible for our victim to break down into tears. Or into a raging bout of curses only fit for the saltiest sea dog's ears.

It would have been completely logical for our victim to run screaming around the parking lot like a crazy person.

Or to try and break in the car herself.

Luckily, a hero of a locksmith came to our victim's rescue. And now she owes him a HUGE favor.

*whether or not the word molassian is truly a word or not is beside the point. So you just hush. You knew what I meant.

Time I'll never get back

I stumbled across this site today. Hilarious stuff. But I have one major problem with it.

Whoever captions those things should be hung upside down by their toes and slapped silly with a herring. I'm not sure if the person really has no grasp on the English language or if they're trying to make the statement that the animals have no grasp on the English language.

Regardless, it's highly annoying. So annoying in fact, I almost stopped looking after the first couple of pictures.

Almost. I'm currently on page 16. Someone stop me...please?

Here are a couple of my favorites. And I'm sorry to whoever runs the site...I HAD to take the link off the bottom of each picture. "moar funny pictures"? Really.



Has anyone seen The Illusionist? I seriously can't figure this one out...



Can I get one of these for the office? Does anyone know what the current version is?















Kittens=World Peace






Seriously people. Go waste a good hour and a half of your day on this site. What's that? You want to waste MORE of your day?

Hey. That's entirely your prerogative.

Ode to a Boss*

Each and every day I hope

but it’s to no avail,

that there could be a change, but nope

stupendously you fail.

You sidle up without a care,

I cringe and close my eyes.

the restraint I show is rather rare,

I should receive a prize.

I have to say it’s quite an art

that you can’t seem to see,

the question that you think is smart,

is dumb as dumb can be.

I know you think that I’m a dope

and speak to me as so,

but there’s a day I’ll laugh and hope

you like the taste of crow!

It’s true that you aren’t sharp of wit

but think of this old hen,

if respect is what you think you’ll get,

don’t treat me like I’m ten!

*any similarity to a real boss is purely coincidental. Everyone knows a boss would never really act like this...

With Respect

To the birds in the back yard tree,

I must ask that you cease leaving your little white gifts all over my car. I'm sure that you have gained much respect in the bird world for your re-decoration of my vehicle but let me assure you, your attentions are unwanted.

You've managed to make my car look even more trashy than it already did, which is quite the accomplishment. I just wish the damned stuff wasn't so hard to remove!

Now, since I have no other place to park I am asking you nicely to find another tree. After all, you've really had the cushy life here. The man upstairs has even been nice enough to spread fresh grass seed for you.

So you see, although the tree above my car is no doubt lovely, you must vacate it immediately in order to continue our amicable relationship. I will expect to see a change in your behavior no later than Monday.

Thank you for your consideration in this very important matter.