I swear, it's not what you think!

Our affair began early in life.

It began slowly and unexpectedly, as many affairs do. We spent time together when I was a child. Though it was limited, you left an impression on me that never faded. As a child, my parents would limit our exposure to each other. Most often I only saw you on special occasions. Birthdays, Easter, Christmas, and maybe the odd camping trip or family outing. You weren’t necessarily considered a bad influence on me…just an influence that needed limiting. Remember those couple of times I went so far as to sneak you in? You were my own guilty little secret.

As the years progressed I changed. You also changed, though it seemed you began changing with every season. And although you looked different from time to time, you were still the same inside. I stopped looking at you as a guilty secret though I realized my parents were right in limiting our exposure. You could so easily take over me and I would be in too deep before I knew it. Hours turned to minutes and minutes to hours when I was with you. I had to keep you at a distance that was safe for me. There were times that I couldn’t have you, and then the cravings would nearly do me in. Yet, your presence is comforting to me.

And then, yesterday, we met again in Wal-Mart.





Oh Oreo, you have my heart now more than ever.

I'm not alone

Just so you don't all think I was the only one with the Google/lack of a pirate theme thing, I submit to you the following link.

Pirates Unite!

Ha! Take that Google.

Because Pirates just ARE, ok?

Ahoy Google Crew,

We be writin’ t’ let ye know how disappointed we be with the newest update t’ Gmail. Yar, it be true yer crew has provided helpful updates t’ this popular email program in the past, but we feel ye ‘ave missed yer mark this time. Aye, we be greatly distressed t’ see the inclusion o’ a Ninja theme but a lack o’ a Pirate Theme available with the other new themes. It may e’en be enough t’ make one think that the Google Crew is pro-Ninja.

As ye may be aware, the' battle between Pirates and Ninjas be still bein' waged. While we understand that thar be individuals that will pick sides, we caution ye t' be careful which side ye choose. While the question o' who be better, Pirates or Ninjas, be not easily answered, we hope that ye will understand that leavin' Pirates out o' yer theme choices be a grave business mistake.

Not only have Pirates been around longer than Ninjas (thar have been pirates since the first person built the first boat), Pirates be far more commercially successful than Ninjas. Take, for example, the recent success o' a certain group o' movin' pictures. These stories followed the' legends o' me brethren in the' Caribbean and were such a success we have had trouble with the' sheer number o' impersonators.

When was the last time thar was such a successful Ninja movin’ picture? Let alone three. Ninjas only be havin’ a few teenaged turtles that talk. In our opinion, turtles are good fer nothin’ but soup.

Yar, while Ninjas be admittedly good at hidin', a Pirate has no need t' skulk around in the shadows. We be open about our business and people fear us enough t' surrender merely upon the sight o' our flags upon the horizon. This, me buckos, be true intimidation.

We implore you t' end this discrimination immediately. The Pirates be demandin' thar own theme as well. We think we’ve made more than enough o' an argument t' prove our deservedness. We thank you in advance for your consideration and hope that when we pass you in the street we’ll be able t' give you a buckoly “Ahoy Mate!”.

The wind be always in yer sails,

PANSY
(Pirates Against Ninja SupremacY)

Google has made a grave error in the new themes that they offer. They've designed a ninja theme...but no pirate theme.

That hurts Google...that really hurts.

Don't Forget to Vote!

With a title like that you're probably expecting this post to be all about the upcoming presidential election right? However, seeing as how most of us are completely sick and tired of this election season, I will not be subjecting you to any political machinations.

Instead, I intend to utilize this space for a purely selfish cause that involves voting for a completely different reason.

I meant to post earlier (like before the contest was over) about voting for Kristi's portrait. But I never got around to it. Ah well. Sorry Kristi. It's still a great pic of you!

But speaking of contests, I threw another photo in the mix for a different contest. No opinion poll this time...I just entered in one of my favorite photos. Not everyone is going to like it but hey that's art right? Heh. I have SUCH a hard time calling my snapshots 'art'. Seems so pretentious doesn't it? As if I really know what I'm doing here? I mean, what really makes art art anyway? Besides, can you even tell what it is? Heh, I love this photo but I also took it...so I know what it is. I have NO idea if it's that clear to anyone else. (and...remember how much I love motion blur? so I'm a sucker for this photo)



Since it IS election week and you're already geared up to vote, up there in the right column is a link to vote for my photo. There are a TON of really fabulous photos if you would rather just go take a look around. (I think you have to click the 'join the contest' button to see them) Go on, click the link and be amazed by some pretty talented amateur photographers. (oh...did I not mention that this contest is restricted to true amateurs? Heh...not that it gives me a better shot at winning anything)

As for me, I will continue to frequent the site and try to learn as much as I can. My photos have improved greatly just over the last couple of years. And ultimately, I just do this because I enjoy it. Not because I actually know what I'm doing. It's one of my favorite hobbies. In the next couple of days I'll share some fall pictures with you. The colors this year have been incredible. Here's a little preview.



And yes. I am fully aware that I have not yet posted the photos from Oregon. Hey, I'll get around to it.

Maybe.

I need your help.

*Update* - I know I do this site for my own enjoyment and don't attempt heavy traffic here, but seriously? Only 7 votes? I KNOW there have been about 5 times that many people here in the last two days. To those of you that have voted, thank you. I know you are the few that are actually here on purpose. To the rest of you that have stumbled here, whether by accident or because you were just that bored, I welcome your opinions too! Please help me out by clicking one of the options. I swear it doesn't hurt.

Alright guys. There may be a contest going on over at Photrade. And I may be thinking about entering it.

Now I know for a fact that there have been over 1000 entries since just the other day. I'm sure by the end of it there will be more than 2000. I also know that with all the other talented photographers out there that would love to get their hands on this sweet prize, my chance of winning is slim to none. I would bet for me to even get noticed my image would have to really resonate with one of the judges for some reason. But hey, I've got to start somewhere.

ANYWAY. The point of this post is not to convince myself how amateur I am. The point of this post IS to gain your help. I need to know what image appeals the most to YOU.

If you'll kindly look over there to your right, (your other right Larry) you'll find a nice little poll. You don't have to leave a comment (unless it's to tell me to get over myself and that I shouldn't be entering a photo contest)...all you have to do is click the name that corresponds with the portrait you like best.

If the poll breaks for some reason you can leave a comment. Even anonymously if you really want to. So. Some of these you have seen, and some of them you haven't. They are, in my opinion, the best portraits I've taken. Do with that what you will. On with the pictures.

In no particular order*:

1. Ben



2. Kristen



3. Kristi



4. Mia



5. Preston



6. Rico



7. Steph


Alright folks! My success fully depends on you and your choice of the entry portrait! (see how I turned that around there?)

Thank you for your input. Your opinion matters greatly to us.

*actually, I just discovered that there IS a particular order. It's called alphabetical. And I so totally meant to do that.

Yes I did.

Seriously Folks?!

This is an excerpt from one of the blogs I read on a regular basis. The author is a Canadian writer and has recently gone on a book tour. The entire post can be found here but I'm not taking anything out of context.

"I congratulate myself for not being even a little rude of violent before now, even though coffee is the link to life, and I haven't had one. (The lines are long at security and I did them coffeeless. This makes me double proud- especially when someone in airport line sees the Canadian flag on my suitcase and takes the time out of their own busy line waiting to tell me that I live in a socialist hell that is doomed to failure. I somehow managed, yay verily though I was COFFEELESS, to thank them for taking the time to share."

Reading this part of her post made me sick. As most of you know, I stick to the funny stuff on this blog...but I just can't help it. Maybe it's my own lack of coffeeness showing, (I've only had a half-cup so far and it hasn't sunk into the blood stream yet) but I HAD to post this.

I seriously can not believe that anyone in this country would point a judgmental finger at another country's government right now. AND to say that another country is doomed to failure? I guess misery loves company right?

Hello, America? I think we still have room in our hand basket...and can you guess where it's going?

A friend yesterday made the mistake of engaging me in conversation about the Presidential debate. My cynicism has really begun to show (as it does in every election year) and though he took it well he got the chance to see what I truly think of our government.

This country has become the proverbial overbearing rich uncle. You know the one. The one who shows up to every family reunion and is loud and obnoxious. The one that asks you how your job is and then proceeds to tell you that you would be more successful if you just did THIS THIS and THIS. The one who gives lavish Christmas presents to everyone just to show off how much money he has then gets his credit card denied buying a $3.00 pack of smokes. The one that gambles all his money away and then expects the rest of the family to fix the problem. The one who, without invitation, inserts himself in an argument between you and a sibling because he "knows how to fix this problem". The one that says he's going to take you to dinner then "forgets" his wallet.

And guess what. NO ONE in the family likes that uncle.

You know? My frustration isn't as much about where this country is headed. It's more about the fact that I personally can't do anything about it. That the average citizen really doesn't have a say.

And all that crap about "but your vote counts!"? Yeah THAT'S a bunch of naive crap. Besides, does it really matter when the 'Powers That Be' have narrowed down your choices to something you never really wanted anyway?

It's like saying "Here we have your two least favorite foods. This one will make you sick immediately and this one will make you sick in an hour. Pick what you want for dinner. Yes, you HAVE to pick something."

So, Canada? Can you save a place for me? I figure a "socialist hell that is doomed to failure" has got to be better than what we've got going here right now.

A conversation through text message...

These texts have been reproduced in their entirety. No embellishment was added because none was needed.

P: Morning, dear. Sleep well?

Me: Yeah just not enough of it. I'm gettin too old for this. How are you?

P: Had a weird dream that would make a funny movie.

Me: Oh yeah? I want to hear about that! :)

P: "Attack of the cannibalistic Republican spider people"

Me: Ewwwwwwww! I think I'll skip that movie!

P: Do Republicans scare you that much?

Me: Lol. Funny funny. It's the spiders and you know it! :)

P: They don't look like spiders, they just wrap their liberal prey in cocoons to eat later!

Me: Lol! You seriously had this dream!!?

P: Yeah, it was pretty scary at the time, but now I think it's funny!

Me: Hilarious! So would you mind if I blog about this particular string of texts?

P: Go ahead, and I'm going to talk to Eric W. and Scott T. about the idea!

Me: awesome! I know someone else out there has to think this convo is as hilarious as I do.


I can't make this stuff up people.

While I wait for my keys...

...you'll get a preview of the Oregon trip.




These are just a few to get you started.




I don't have access to my normal editing software so I apologize if these look a little funny. I was giving Photoshop's online software a test.




And yes. The title IS "while I wait for my keys...". You didn't read that incorrectly. My keys decided to take a bit of a detour and did not make it home with me.

More on that later. Maybe. Definitely more (and better edited) photos to come.

Stay tuned.

How I Saved the World - Part II

For over two years I've believed the world to be safe from Evil Samurai Crickets.

Last night my dream of a peaceful existence, free from hoards of Evil Samurai Crickets, was shattered.

The following is a true account of what transpired one early fall night in my basement.

After more than three weeks of a packed schedule, I had more than enough laundry to keep me occupied for several days. I was completely exhausted but knew it had to be done and dragged my tired body to the laundry hamper. I gathered a load of dirty clothing and clicked the front door closed behind me. The ominous chill raised bumps on my bare arms but I attributed it to the fact that fall had finally decided to make an appearance instead of the warning that it was.

I carefully placed one tired foot in front of the other. Each step ached as I made my way down a full flight of steps to the entry of the basement. When I reached the basement door I used the archaic key to turn the lock. As the mechanism retreated into the door it made a loud 'snick' that echoed in the empty hallway. With a loud squeak I wrestled the door open and my eyes attempted to adjust to the gloom of the basement.

And then I heard it.

The ancient language that I had hoped to never hear again. A language feared by young children and seasoned warriors alike. It was the language of the Evil Samurai Crickets and it assaulted my ears in a wave of unintelligible horror.

In an instant I knew that an entire army of Evil Samurai Crickets were waiting for me at the bottom of those unassuming basement steps. The cacophony was deafening. I knew they were here to destroy me. I knew they were here for revenge. And I was completely unprepared.

The electric glow of the bare bulbs blinded me temporarily when I flipped the switch. My hope had been to frighten them off but their voices didn't falter. As my vision cleared my ears were assaulted by what could have only been the taunts of my enemies. Although I did not speak their dark and evil language I knew that they were screaming their challenges at me. My past victory was nothing to them.

With white spots dancing in front of my face I looked to the bottom of the stairs. It was as I feared. No less then seven Evil Samurai Crickets were staring up at me...the tension palpable as they waited for me to make a move. Their hate radiated off of them in waves. I could feel the heat of it and the atmosphere nearly crackled with the barely contained energy.

It was purely coincidence that I had my trusty Samurai blade Phlip Phlop with me that night. And blind luck that I had its mate Theong Sandile. I carefully set my laundry on the steps in front of me. I would only have one chance at a diversion. One chance to distract my enemies enough to give me an advantage. The seven Evil Samurai Crickets were edging closer to the bottom of the steps. I knew my time had run out. With a fierce cry I upended the laundry basket down the stairs and lept into the air.

With just the tips of my fingers I was able to grasp onto a ceiling beam and flip myself over the seven Evil Samurai Crickets. The laundry had entangled two of them but the other five were already following my graceful arc through the air. As I landed softly on the balls of my feet, the soreness forgotten, the five Evil Samurai Crickets launched themselves at me. Their razor sharp legs flailed at lightning speeds and it took everything I had to protect myself with my dual blades. Arms and Evil Samurai Cricket legs blurred in this high speed dance of life and death as I spun and parried and thrust and defended. Suddenly, without warning, a gash was opened on my upper arm. One of the five Evil Samurai Crickets had made it through my defenses.

I screamed my defiance, smashed his head and did a mighty leap over the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets. I hung in the air for what seemed like forever, targeting the two Evil Samurai Crickets that had been entangled in my laundry trap. Their heads were just breaking out of the top of the pile when Phlip Phlop and Theong Sandile snuffed them out.

I whirled around to face the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets. Each heartbeat pounding through my veins was magnified and my breath burned in my lungs. But they were not going to give me a chance to rest. The four Evil Samurai Crickets launched themselves at me as one, screams of rage pouring from their Evil Samurai Cricket mouths. I dodged them and skipped across the tops of the dryers. I had to gain the advantage! With an amazing twist I landed behind them.

And before the remaining four Evil Samurai Crickets knew what had happened, my twin Samurai blades came smashing down upon them. The seven Evil Samurai Crickets had been vanquished. I wiped the stinging sweat from my eyes and surveyed the carnage. Razor sharp legs twitched in the electric glow but these evil beings would no longer threaten the world.

I gathered my laundry but left my enemies as a warning to any other Evil Samurai Crickets.

I had learned my lesson. I must remain vigilant in order to keep the world and its population safe from a threat it doesn't even know about...

The icing on my cake.

How about a reenactment for you today? A few have asked what got me so down in the dumps yesterday, and while this is only the crowning moment of a spectacularly bad day, it was the only thing I could illustrate very well here.

As any good reenactment should, names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. However, the situation has not been changed to protect the idiot victim. (psst...that's me)

Let's begin.

This is our victim's car in a parking lot.



Imagine, if you will, that this parking lot belongs to a large bulk super-store type place. See? There is the entrance right there.



Also, lets imagine that this parking lot is much larger with quite a few more cars in it.



And yes, they DO all look the same.

Shove it.

So there our scene is set.

Picture in your head a beautiful sunny afternoon. Our victim had a couple of errands to run and the first one was to check tire prices at this local store. Our victim got into the store before realizing she had forgotten to write down the tire size. And so the victim headed back to her car.



As our victim traipsed back across the parking lot she had no idea what was in store for her.



Our victim hopped in the driver's side seat and popped open the glove box.



After writing down the tire size, our victim neatly put everything back in the glove box and closed it.



Our victim hit the lock button and stepped back out of the car.



As she swung the door shut, the world seemed to slow to a molassian* pace . Something wasn't right.



The door clicked shut and our victim's vision was immediately sucked to the front seat of the vehicle.



What was that in the front seat?

Oh look! You can see me in the reflection! Hey can anyone tell what kind of camera I use?



Oh right. ehem. Sorry, back to our story.



There, lying neatly on the front seat of her newly locked vehicle, were our victim's keys.

Let me repeat that.



Her KEYS.

Please pay no attention to:



Our victim's car get's vacuumed on a regular basis. If by regular you mean biannually.

But that's not the point now is it!?

Let me repeat.



However, this story ends better than it could have. At this point it was very possible for our victim to break down into tears. Or into a raging bout of curses only fit for the saltiest sea dog's ears.

It would have been completely logical for our victim to run screaming around the parking lot like a crazy person.

Or to try and break in the car herself.

Luckily, a hero of a locksmith came to our victim's rescue. And now she owes him a HUGE favor.

*whether or not the word molassian is truly a word or not is beside the point. So you just hush. You knew what I meant.

This post deserves no title.

In the midst of Pirate Fest...how about some randomness for you. It's been a while since I've been random.

Stop it. Yes it has been.

HEY! I. Said. Shut it.

Anyway.

Spent a few days in KC a couple weeks ago. Remember how I said I was taking my camera everywhere I went now? Uh yeah. Well, I guess that just means to work and the wineries.



Stopped by Les Bourgeois on the way home. It was a beautiful evening.

I just couldn't seem to drag the camera out all weekend.



But the vineyards were so pretty in the setting sun.



Not that I was really able to capture it very well here. Photography class anyone?

Oop. There I go with the photoshop again.



So, next bit of randomness.

Take a look at what I did the other day. Can you tell what it is?



No, it's not a medieval torture device.

Here's a little bit more of a clue.



I taught myself how to knit with double pointed needles the other day. I had some time to kill at lunch.



Seems I have a lot of time to kill on this job. Or at least more time to kill on any other job I've had. My boss likes to give me 'jobs' to do that only seem to require me to sit and watch the real workers do their thing.



So this is how I pass the time. It's very constructive of me.

And, for the last bit of randomness, because I can't leave you with all that structured nonsense up there, here are a couple of photos that have no relevance to each other whatsoever. Wow. 'Whatsoever' actually doesn't trigger the spell check. Who knew?



Most of these have been shown on this site before...in one form or another.



They've all just been slightly more modified this time around.



Ok. Some more than just 'slightly'.



Leave me alone. I'm going to go nurse my Photoshop addiction now.

I just can't help myself!

From the Missouri Botanical Garden's website:

"Founded in 1859, the Missouri Botanical Garden is the nation's oldest botanical garden in continuous operation and a National Historic Landmark."

Here is a photo from that time period.



No really!

I swear it...ok, ok. Maybe it's not.

I admit, it's from a couple of weeks ago. We visited for the last show of the Whitaker Music Festival.

Here is the original photo.



But I think I like this version better.



Sometimes it's hard to know when I get out of control with Photoshop. How much is too much?

Anyway. The light didn't really last long enough to get many shots. The setting sun made for some great reflections though.



There I go with those burned edges again...



I also tried to get a few shots of the moon...but didn't have the correct lens with me that night. Ah well.

These next couple of shots? Oh my. Kristen's is fine, but Rico? I'm sorry. But I had to. I LOVE the shot of you.





Thanks for being such a great sport and letting me blind you with my flash in the name of 'art'. Or at least in the name 'fun'.

Disney Is...

...the place where all your dreams come true. Right? It is if your dreams include getting a horribly nasty sickness (I don't know what I had) while you visit. Luckily, my mom was there to take care of me. I sure as heck wasn't going to stay in the room on my 30th birthday trip. So mom drugged me up and off we went. My lovely hacking cough was quite handy in keeping people away from me.

However. The side effect was that I really didn't feel like taking a bunch of pictures. I got a few. And these are them.

We'll start with Epcot. This is, hands down, my favorite place in the Disney World Complex.



All of these photos were taken at the Japanese Pavilion in the very back of the park.



I loved that when I took my camera out to shoot this, I suddenly had 15 people whip their point-and-shoot cameras out to try and capture the same image. Yep. I'm a leader. Little did they know I would be using Photoshop to re-create how it looked to the naked eye. Oh, and to get rid of the hair that was on my lens. (though I didn't do such a great job of that...)



Next, we move to Animal Kingdom. I was feeling better this day, yet still didn't take a lot of photos. The place was packed. It was a bit too much of a hassle.



These were taken on the "Safari". It's actually a pretty nice animal park and I enjoy seeing the animals in an environment that looks much more natural.



The "Safari" guides are of course humorous. They're scripted that way. But I don't think he bargained for my mom to play along as well as she did. She was all kinds of ready to become his official navigator.



You really do have to hand it to Disney. They do a spectacular job creating amazing realism in everything they do. (I'm pretty sure these trees were concrete but look close and you'll see the bird that just may have been fooled too)



These guys were awful cute. Talk about effective camouflage too! Just lay down and you look like a rock!



The third and final place we'll be visiting today is MGM Studios. Er, pardon me, Disney's Hollywood Studios. I guess they can't use the 'MGM' name any longer.



The only thing I photographed here was a stunt show. Have I mentioned in the past that I really want to learn to drive like this?



Anyway. The premise was that they were shooting a film and they were going to show you how some of the driving stunts were done. The red car is the 'Hero' car and the black cars are the 'Villains'.



The stunts really were quite impressive. These guys could drive!



I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that had there been a volunteer portion of this show...I would have thrown myself down there. It would have been embarrassing how quickly I would have shoved the little kids out of the way.



But totally worth it.



Uh...as long as I didn't have that guys job.